I received such overwhelming feedback from my “30 Days of Flaws”… some negative, some wonderful. For those of you that reached out to me privately to share your stories and similar experience and/or stopped me when you saw me and gave me a “thumbs up”, I simply want to say:
Sometimes the things in my (and your) head are totally unreasonable and it helped me more than I can express to put the tip of it down in written form. I encourage you to try the same. Though it wasn’t my goal, I’ve learned that I need to be much, much easier on myself. Friends have said that they’ve wanted to do it too, but didn’t want to “Steal my idea.” And to that, I want to say:
Do 30 days of Flaws.
Vulnerability is freedom.
You don’t have to put it out there, but tell someone. The moment that you say something out loud is the moment that you realize that you’re not alone.
For those of you that missed it, here they are… in their entirety. You’re welcome, may have been boyfriends. At least you know if there’s a dealbreaker!
30 Days of Flaws: Heather Snow
I hear that there’s now a disorder stemming from the positivity of people on social media… that it causes depression because they see how amazing other people’s lives are and then they compare it to their own. They then suffer from feelings of inadequacy because they cannot possibly live such perfect lives as their peers on this stupid thing called social media.
So, instead of a gratitude list, I think that I’m going to list my character defect list… well, maybe more of a “perceived defect list” for your entertainment and to make you all feel better about yourself. You’re welcome:
Let’s start with the bathroom:
– I cannot seem to put the lid down on the top of the toilet, but bitch and moan when a guy can’t put the seat down.
– I OFTEN (Almost always) never put the new roll on the holder.
– When I get out of the shower, I pretty much always forget to put a towel near the tub and leave a giant puddle of water on the floor. This becomes a problem in hotel rooms when I fall on my ass and slam myself into the open toilet bowl and end up with bruises to prove it. And then cry alone on the bathroom floor thanking my higher power that I didn’t die single, naked and afraid in a bathroom in Albany, NY.
Day 2: “Flaws list”
– I keep cat treats in my bed so that Rodeo will still want to sleep with me after I chase him around my apartment when I want to give him kisses and when he hides I think that he doesn’t like me anymore.
– I rarely close my dresser drawers and then fish around for one specific item and destroy everything that I folded 4 months ago when I had decided to “Get Organized”.
– The below picture is a good day for my desk.
Day 4: Defects List (Helping overcome Facebook Envy)
Easiest writing I’ve ever done… Just jotting down the voices in my head.
– I’m extremely gullible. If you tell me that your cat talks to you, I’m going to believe that you have a talking cat and I will want to meet him. People deserve trust and a benefit of the doubt. And I trust everyone. Even after they prove their untrustworthy. Forgiveness is inevitable. I’m a sucker. Hence needing restraining order court.
– I stream movies almost obsessively. I sleep with my iPad so that I can fall asleep to the sound of movies I’ve seen a thousand times. Usually it’s a drama with a strong female lead(thanks, Netflix). But, it must not have any loud bangs or excessive laughter or screaming. My favorite is Pride and Prejudice and I start right after the scene when she shouts “And those are the words of a gentleman? From the first moment I met you, your arrogance and conceit, your selfish disdain for the feelings of others made me realize that you were the last man in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to marry.” And then drift into happy dreams where Santa Claus, Rodeo and I help poor people in need.
– I rarely floss, but tell my dental hygienist that I really want to and try. I don’t try. I lie to my dentist about my own dental health.
Day 5: Defect list… Stomping out the perfect Facebook world whilst becoming an utter failure in no one’s eyes but my own.
Let’s take a hard look at this morning’s Facebook post:
I needed to give a friend keys to my apartment because I live alone with my beloved cat who can’t stay by himself because he gets stressed out. Two separate parties are checking on him… which makes him the most spoiled cat on the block. I should’ve given her keys yesterday, but was too distracted watching “So you think you can Dance and taking instagrams of zucchini. I also spent a considerable amount of time with someone Nora Lynch and I refer to as “Gustoff” instead of doing everything I needed to be prepared. I did, however bake the most amazing zucchini bread (which I ate half of, topped with ice cream that I later put in the fridge instead of the freezer) P.S. I left a loaf for you, Phil and Emily on the table.
I am a serial snooze bar fanatic. While somehow I managed to squeak through security in time to barely make my flight, I didn’t have time to pee. So, the moment the seatbelt sign went off, I bolted to the back of the plane.
I didn’t pack until around 10pm which means I probably am going to have to buy a brush, deodorant and contact lense solution.
I returned the Progressive Snapshot device 2 weeks late, Even though I remembered it this morning, I still got charged a late fee, so it cancels out any discounts I would’ve gotten.
I drive like a grandmother. And park like a blind man.
When the man was in my seat, HE got moved to first class, not me. I sat happily in the aisle seat in row 30 after they checked my bag because all of the overhead room was taken. My “fabulous” business travel life went to an airport that the gate agent had never heard of… Wassau, WI. Which is a total shithole. I’m probably going to have to eat at Olive Garden and/or have 3 lbs of cheese. I do, however, love my job… wherever it may take me. The coffee that I had to have? I did the head bob snap from almost dozing off and spilled it all over myself.
When I travel, I have to have a room away from the elevator and/or pool. I claim that I’m allergic to chlorine so that I don’t have to smell the indoor cesspool at the Comfort Inn…
It’s all about perspective… My morning was chaos and my fingernails are bitten off to prove it.
Day 6: (Stomping out Facebook Envy by showing that perfection is all about perception and that I’m most definitely not perfect. Today is pretty heavy… maybe it’s the rain. Or, maybe the unecessary death of a legend. )
Here we go!
– I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle and never am able to keep a cap.
– I’m afraid to throw away anything that has a biblical symbol on it even though I don’t consider myself Christian. I have every bible that was ever given to me, rosaries and gold-plated crucifixes. I feel like it’s bad luck.
– I have suffered from severe anxiety and depression since high school. PTSD since college. It’s debilitating. The only thing that ever seemed to help was alcohol and when I decided to stop drinking, I was choosing life and saying goodbye to my best friend. It offered comfort and freedom to be the person that I always wanted to be… I could “check out” and get away from myself and my thoughts. I could get away from all of you…
The side effects were that I would wake up with even more anxiety and sadness than I was trying to overcome and felt the weight of the world with every impending day. On paper, life seemed perfect. I was in every publication, asked to be on TV, had a job that I thought I always wanted, signed a modeling contract, knew everyone, smiled when prompted. Life on paper was perfect. If anyone asked, “Life is great!” and then I’d cry myself to sleep and then wake up with my racing thoughts at 3am.
Living with depression and anxiety is a battle. The little things make it bearable. Yoga, friendship, sunlight, exercise, comedy, laughter, sex, money, fame, acceptance, beauty, isolation, substances. It doesn’t go away, you can’t explain it, and every time you overcome, you have to find a new way to cope.Nora Lynch and Phil Palisoul said to me a few years ago, “By not asking us for help, you’re denying us the pleasure we get from helping you. It’s selfish. Helping is just what friends do.” Being loved continuously saves my life every day. Helping others saves my life every day. Being reminded that the world is better with me in it saves my life every day. Truth? My life is better with you in it…
Robin Williams’ death hits home to many… we never know the dark that’s really behind people’s eyes. (Or their Facebook statuses and tweets).
See ya tomorrow.
Day 7: My Defects. Doing things wrong… Most of the time.
– Took almost 15 years to realize that eating 4 cups of whole wheat pasta didn’t count as “eating healthy” and low calorie… Because, after all, it’s WHOLE WHEAT!
– I hate going to the movie theater because I pay way too much attention to the person chewing popcorn too loudly behind me to enjoy the movie.
– I’ve been called stupid, fat, ugly, worthless, selfish, deceptive, weird, flat-chested, big hipped, annoying, dumb, shallow and a slut more times than I can remember, often by people I loved… And believed them
Day 8: Defects and probably reasons I’m still single…
– I sleep walk/talk. My roommates in college, Mindy Rickert and Megan Fritzwould lock their doors after I went to sleep at night, and I was known to get stuck in bathrooms.. ripped down at least 2 shower curtains and RIPPED A BATHROOM SINK OFF OF THE WALL at the beach one year. George andNikki had to let me out of the bathroom once at the beach in the middle of the night. As of late, I’ve been opening the freezer… it’s weird. I don’t like it. But, I can’t stop!
– If I was to get plastic surgery, the first thing that I would do is get my earlobes detached.
– I don’t like most children… unless they’re kids of a BFF, totally silent and big-eyed and/or neices and nephews or cousin’s kids. Jennifer and Andrew‘s adorable kiddos forced me to change my mind and accept a few more. It’s very likely that I will never have kids of my own… much to everyone’s chagrin. Just hoping that Christian Snow will take care of his weird old Aunt someday.
Day 9: Flaws list… Telling you the reasons that I wish I could slap myself harder than I have the will to. But, it hurts!
– I’m very high maintenance when I travel on business because I’m much more alert and focused when I get plenty of sleep. When I travel, I request a high floor, away from the elevator and ice machine, and if when I get there, it seems like it’s in a place that I won’t be able to sleep, I go back down and get moved to a different room. If there are not enough pillows to form a giant C shape where I rest my head in any direction, I call the front desk for more. When I travel for personal, I’ll happily sleep in a bunk bed.
– I find it difficult if not almost impossible to stand in a line or an elevator without looking at my phone.
– There are many guys that I’m friends or was friends with that I have had feelings for at one point or another but have decided that if they like me as “more than friends”, they’ll get the balls to say it at some point. Usually I chicken out or talk myself out of confrontation and then watch them date loads of other silly girls that are nowhere near as amazing as they are. The truth is that I’d rather miss the chance of romance by not ever saying anything than dealing with that kind of rejection. And, the thought of losing them as friends makes it impossible. Oh, the hypocrisy!
Phew… Day 10: “Flaws” “Defects” “Reasons people don’t post what they’re actually thinking to Facebook”
– I can’t actually kill a fly unless it’s an emergency, so I bought a plant (and a cat) to do it for me.
– There is nothing grosser than wet hairs stuck to my fingers. Even if they’re my own, even if it’s right after I washed them. Heebie-Jeebies maximus.
– When I take a shower, I often only turn to the left and then miss rinsing the entire right side of my body and have to get back in. Meanwhile…. I don’t mess around and just hang out. In and out…. IN AND OUT…. Wet entire body, apply shampoo, scrub entire body, rinse shampoo, apply conditioner, shave legs, pits, wash face, rinse conditioner. Out of the shower… and then work in my towel for approximately 3 hours.
Day 11: “Flaws, Quirks and Insane in the Brain” and I am a really silly human sometimes list.
– Yesterday I sat at a stop sign for at least 5 minutes waiting for it to turn green. I wasn’t texting… Just staring at the sign.
– I sometimes am secretly happy when the opposing team scores. Especially if they’re losing. Even if their playing against the Broncos.
– I have a bunion. It hurts
Day 12: Dirty Dozen
Heather’s Flaws, aka quirks
(Squashing the belief that we’re all as amazing as our well thought out Facebook brags.)
– I appeared (lied) on a reality show. (Gym Rescue). Talked about my chub on National Television.
– I’m typing this from my bed. Where I went at 9:30 to go to sleep.
– When laundry day is approaching, I like to do what I call the “summer dress technique”. Which is throwing on a summer gown and pretending that I got “dressed up”, when really, I just wanted to feel like I’m still in pajamas.
13 should be interesting… Tune in.
Day 13 – Flaws… Yep. I’m lazy sometimes. Because I’m trying not to be so hard on myself.
– Updated my website for the first time in years… Waited for no other reason than “I didn’t feel like it.” I’ve been on TV a few times, btw.www.sixfeetofsnow.com
– I would rather pay towards helping someone get movers than helping them move.
– I ate 8 tacos tonight and at least 10 pieces of salt water taffy. Which I totally justified by saying, “I took a walk today… And did yoga.”
Day 14: Flaws (Things I hear or think are wrong with me… but after your private messages, I’m learning that they’re wrong with you too.)
– Today I learned that my “sexy” walk is causing some of my back pain and could be partially responsible for my herniated discs. I’m supposed to concentrate on not popping my hips when I walk(as taught by my gay male friends). This is especially problematic when I have a peppy tune in my ears, I just can’t resist swaying my big ass around. So, walk “Less Exciting” is what they say… which I seriously debated thinking that no one will ever love me if I don’t walk sexy as hell. Back pain frustration > Than Sexy Walking Ego.
– A week ago, I learned that I’m supposed to replace my pillows every 6 months. While I wash them at least that often, I haven’t replaced my pillows in at least 10 years. And they’re my pillows. And I’m afraid I’ll never find ones that are the same.
– I kiss my cat right on the lips. RIGHT ON THE LIPS.
Day 15: My Flaws: (Helping you with your Facebook Envy by now, I hope. Because we only think to post when we’re thinking that you would think we’re awesome.)
“So far, it seems that the positive effects of being socially connected supersede the negative consequences of feeling inferior or left out by your circle of friends.”
– I panic when I’m in water where I can’t see the bottom. I’m convinced that something is going to eat me. When I was living in San Diego, I tried to swim to the bouey in La Jolla Cove where the triathletes train and I freaked out halfway and swam back. All I could hear was my friend saying, “Isn’t that where they found the Great White?” When Annie tried to get closer to a sea lion in Cabo. I’m more afraid of that than being sucked under water by a cruise ship… even the coast guard.
– I have to lay down to zip up my favorite jeans. When I wore them on TV, I laid down on the floor in the dressing room in front of Kate Flannery. She had apparently seen this happen before…
– Socks make me feel like I’m suffocating. Turtlenecks too. I don’t like them…
Especially Fuck Baby T’s that dig into my armpits.
Pairs of ski socks I own: 8
Pairs of other socks I own: 2
Single socks I own: 104
Day 16: Me. Flaws. My Dad, Gregg (aka ‘Silver Fox’) gets worried about me when I don’t share or when I share too much because we were both raised Catholic… so, we’re just generally guiltly and confused. (We’re halfway through this uncomfortable experiment, Dad. Sincerely, your favorite child)
– I send wedding gifts a year after the wedding… not because I want to see that it lasts that long, but it’s worth my own uncomfortable pain and eye contact with friends to have the bride and groom to be surprised a year later.
– My friend got a toilet attachment that acts like a bidet… I went over to his house last weekend and was embarrased initially to try it. Now toilet paper seems like it’s so yesterday. And I’m disappointed now every time I use the bathroom. It’s ruined my life. Why?!? Why isn’t this in every house?
– I’m a clencher… when I get really anxious or stressed out, I clench my teeth when I sleep. So hard that I once cracked a molar and had to get it capped. (however, Lodo Dental makes the new tooth right in front of you, so I view this one as a draw. Cause that was awesome.)
Day 17: Flawed Me…
– Recycling has been sitting by my door to take down to the garage for two weeks.
– I put my good cutting knives in the dishwasher almost always.
– An ex told me I have unruly nose hairs so I get them waxed now when I get my eyebrows done at Brows… My girl Amber insists that this is not the case, but I do it anyway. The first time, we were both laughing so hard because I had a giant glob of wax in my nostril and I was prepping for the most horrible pain of my life, and I was alternating between laughing hysterically and squeezing my face and whining while gripping the arms of the salon chair…. And then she RIPPED! And it didn’t hurt at all. So, now I figure, ‘better safe than sorry’.
Day 18: Things “wrong” with me. As told by my brain.
– I edit Facebook posts… often. This used to say, “I’m a nail biter” but, I already used it, because Abby Jane Palmer is paying attention!
– My dinner tonight– out of sheer exhaustion — consisted of a slice of pizza and the bacon grease fried French fries leftover from brunch yesterday. (Although, I must admit that using the bacon grease to fry the frozen French fries in the first place was a f-ing genius move by me yesterday)
– I’m terrible at accepting compliments. Someone says, “you’re pretty!” And I shout the same words back at them. “YOU’RE pretty!”…
Day 19: Flaws… I’m my own worst enemy. But, to your delight, Facebook Envy is silly, and here’s why I’m not as awesome as I appear on Facebook:
– Pretty sure that I ate shit on an audition where I was trying out to be the person meant to represent me… Female professional, living in LoHi, meeting up with girlfriend who is super hip and urban. Think I lost it when we were improvising and my fellow auditioner revealed that she was pregnant, I said, “Oh No!”
– I’m facebook friends with at least 8 ppl that have waxed hair from my body.
– I’m a big fan of gender roles outside of the workplace. I think that guy should open doors, pay for (at least) the first dinner, and be stronger and faster than their lady. I’m attracted to a man that walks on the street side of the sidewalk and hold my back when I walk through a party. They do “Man” tasks, drive the car and choose the movies. Order for me at dinner and split a dessert… I’ll bake pies, garden and cook dinner all damn day and give massages and take care of them right back. But, they’ve got to be men… and be able to take care of themselves first. Sorry, ladies. I like being treated like a lady.
Does that make me a non-feminist? Probably not. Being a woman is soft, open, gentle, loving, beautiful, feminine (or not feminine). It doesn’t really matter past equality laws. My femininity is present among men often in careers and comedy. I’m not going to change anytime soon no matter who’s sitting next to me. My feminine traits bring a lot to the table that the feminists of the past fought for me to be able to sit at. Maybe it’s time for a new table.
Day 20: My shit. Everyone has their shit. Even if they’re rockstars on Facebook…
(even though they may ACTUALLY be rock stars)
– I only make my bed when people that don’t know that I never make my bed are coming over.
– When strangers approach me, I often just stand and listen to whatever they have to say until they either finish, I’m able to excuse myself or someone else saves me and then I can back away and leave. I live in fear of being rude. I once listened to a little mexican boy in the Safeway on Federal for 10 minutes while he gave me his version of Men in Black referring to Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones as the “Black Man” and “White Man” and talked about how the hot sauce that he was holding was broken over someone’s head in that movie and it reminded him of it. Instead of telling him that I’m pretty sure that never happened in the Men in Black films, I said, “Thank you… I almost forgot to buy hot sauce. Have a great day!” He smiled. And I went over to the hot sauce aisle.
– I don’t do chain letters or things where I need to pass them on. My fear of being an inconvenience to people that I know far outweighs the fear of having 25 years of bad luck. I can deal with the bad luck as it comes; but not the rejection. I’d simply crawl back into my unmade bed.
Day 21: Almost done… Flaws.
– I cry. Often. Especially at daddy moments and excellent performances in shows, movies and commercials.
– Sometimes after a late night out, totally sober, I just take off my pants and crawl into bed and sleep in the shirt I wore out that night.
– When people touch my ears I FREAK OUT. I do not like it… if it’s in the passion of the moment, I pretend I’m really into it and then tell them later. I had loads of ear infections as a kid and I hate it. I’m allergic to most metals and they are really sensitive. I hate it.
Day 22: My Shit – You’ve got it too… Shedding the vail of only sharing the “perfect, awesome and/or profound” moments.
– Often when I brush my teeth, I drool toothpaste all over the right portion of my chin and then go out into the world to get coffee or whatever and then notice it when I get home because I don’t want to look in the mirror.
– I have big wrists. Most bracelets don’t fit. This girl needs a large.
Day 23: I’m so sleepy, but we’re doing this!!!
Flaws, me. Sleepy flawed me.
– I’ll unintentionally curse like a sailor, often in front of children, often in churches, usually the basements of churches.
– My eyelids sweat or oil off any eyeliner or shadow within 20 minutes of putting it on. As I fight to keep them open…
– I don’t know anything about sports except that I can tell you by a football player’s build and stature what position they play or played. However, I greatly enjoy the spectacle of pro sports and go to games often. But, could give a shit about who wins the game unless the friends that I’m with care and I think they’ll be in a terrible mood and ruin everything.
Day 25: (I think) Flaws and shit.
– I drink approximately a pot of coffee a day.
– While having brunch with my friends with two little ones, they asked if I knew of a playground nearby. I said, “yes.” At which point, we walked about a mile to what was actually a really big rock. Not a playground.
– Yesterday, I ate pizza with an egg and a pile of spinach on top for breakfast, sweet cow ice cream for lunch, meat and mac & cheese for dinner and ice cream again after dinner.
I feel great.
Day 25 (Again) – Things that make me me. Flawed and all.
– At least once a day, I go to get something in another room and then stand there for a moment and end up leaving because I can’t remember why I was there.
– I’m terrible at remembering names… so my closest friends know to just reach out and introduce themselves if I don’t do it immediately. I can tell you everything about a person, what they do, where they’re from, how I know them and what they were wearing the first time we met, but I can’t remember their g-damn name!
– I’ve been fired before… because I suck at sales. If someone doesn’t want something, I have no desire to talk them into it. I worked at Robert Half Technology, and I simply couldn’t talk people into taking jobs they didn’t want. So, I couldn’t meet my quotas and my boss (who adored me), walked me to the elevators and said, “Sorry, we have to let you go.”
Day 26 – Oh boy, I’m still not out of flaws, Flaw List:
– I’ve never once finished a tube of lipstick or chapstick. But, I have at least 15 of the same ones.
– I only sneeze once, and it’s really, really loud.
– I’ve had a dent in my Subaru for at least the last year that I haven’t bothered to get fixed. Pretty sure that I have a tail light out too.
Flawed me, Day 27:
Shit I think about when I’m stuck in traffic or so-in-so didn’t call me, or so-in-so is being a bitch.
– Dad’s always right… even though I’m stubborn as shit and try to do it my way for a while just to prove that I’m right also. (P.S. I got my tail light fixed this morning. Sorry about that one, pops. Go back to cleaning up after mom). And, after consulting experts, like, “Hey, Jennifer (my meteorologist friend) do you think that I should go down the water slide at Water World today when we’re being encouraged by the commercial shooters, but are cold and afraid?” or, “Hey AC Hass Transport (my bad ass heavy loads over Vail Pass truck driver friend) , do you think that it’s safe to drive the Million Dollar Highway (the road connecting Telluride to Durango that thousands of people have perished on) in the middle of February?” And they say that I probably shouldn’t do it… sometimes I do said things anyway. And said friends and Dad shake their heads in disbelief because they simply care about my safety.
– Clutter is often invisible to me. I’ll clean my entire apartment, but completely overlook my phone charger sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor. Where it clearly goes…
– When I’m rejected through lack of contact by a gentleman (that I’m really not that interested in anyway), I’m suddenly afraid to be alone forevever and die on my bathroom floor after I slip and fall in the puddle I leave every time I take a shower. (Although, I’m not afraid that Rodeo will eat my face. He’s way too picky of an eater.)
Day 28 – Things other people have told me are flaws (actual quotes):
“That’s why you’re funny. You’re too tall… it’s the same as being fat.”
“If you don’t lose weight, that guy is never going to ask you out.”
“Don’t tell anyone that you don’t drink. No one wants to date an alcoholic. Just say you’re ‘on a cleanse'”
Day 29: Flaws that I don’t want my Dad and Brother to see. So, they’re blocked!
(Sparing my male family members that I think may vomit.)
– There are no naked pictures of me in existance (baby pictures don’t count). While there are “sexy” pictures, I do not send pictures including bare nipples or the nether regions. Guys have been upset when the pre-emptively send me a dick pic, and I don’t send anything in return. So, thanks for that, America. I don’t do naked pictures. Put that shit in my contract. I’m a prude, and you guys have a quick trigger finger on pictures of your dicks.
– I live in fear of the “is it cold in here” comments and make sure that my ladies are properly covered so that I don’t poke people’s eyes out at all times during the day. I’ve become increasingly upset that it’s no longer acceptable for women to have nipples and be taken seriously.
– I still have a belly button ring. I don’t like it.. but I like belly button rings better than scars. I also have zero tattoos. Because, just like my belly button ring is a lesson, I don’t like anything enough to put it on my body permanently. Or, should I find something that I want permanently on my body, trust someone enough to do it correctly.
(Belated)Day 30: Flaws:
– I have difficulty sometimes with follow through. (Yesterday was day 30. Sorry, guys, I was enjoying the company of my cousins)
– I don’t put my phone away enough when I’m enjoying the company of others. And, spend way too much time on Facebook (which ends today).
– I haven’t been able to write anything that I’ve been proud of in over two years. (That also ends today.)
My 30 days of “flaws” just made me realize that I’m my own worst critic and care way to much about what other people think. Also, most of the time, people are far to worried about themselves to worry about judging me. And, that what other people think is none of my business.
The story behind “My 30 Days of Flaws”: