We all know that I’m very busy and important, and frankly, if you’re my friend, I think the same about you. This blog is going to sound very hostile and unfriendly. However it may seem, it comes from a place of love and admiration for your overall ignorance. So, little buddies, think of me as your Yoda and friend of technology, and don’t email me any questions unless you’re prepared to get a smart ass response. I am the IT guy that Chris Kattan was imitating in his skit on SNL.
When I think of technical support, I think of Heather Habermanfield from Houston, Texas. Heather is a monstrous ignoramus. When I was promoted to be the manager of a bunch of techs in a call center scenario, what I realized when I first turned down the promotion is that I never wanted to be the person that an end-user would say to their tech, “I’d like to speak to your manager, asshole.” However, after coaxing from my manager, I took the promotion and ended up being just that: The asshole’s manager (most of the time, the tech was not, in fact the asshole. The customer was. Rule of thumb… the only customer that’s always right is me.) Heather had accidentally submitted a document to be recorded at a government office, using our software. At no point do we handle money in these transactions. Much like PayPal, we’re just the handler. So, I advised her on the actions that she would need to take to get her document voided and a refund from the Government office, and explained that it was out of our hands. She was inconsolable, furious, a raging bitch and called to yell at me four times that day. About two minutes before I was going to send her a personal check for $75, I passed her al0ng to my manager, who promptly talked her off of her imaginary cliff. I then proceeded to curse loudly in my home office, and violently slam my phone against my desk.
That evening I had a dream. I was at a party at my friend, @swirlgirldenver ‘s apartment, and someone walked up to me and introduced herself.
“Hi, I’m Heather!”
“Oh, I’m Heather too! What’s your last name?”
And then I punched her right in the face.
I woke up the next morning, got my resume together, and I had a new job in two weeks. I will never be a manager in a call center environment again. When you’re fighting strangers in your own dreams, it’ll be time for you to find a new job too.
In this day of text messaging, Facebook, and being constantly connected to EVERYONE, I’d like to share a few tips and tricks to make everyone else’s lives less of a living hell.
1. iPhone Group Messages
This is a setting on the iPhone that sends texts to a group of people. When you do this, everyone that’s in the list of people that you just texted gets ALL responses. Often, it’s from people that we don’t know and we start getting texts every five minutes from others responding to your request.
Please, sweet baby infant Buddha, turn this off.
Go to “Settings” and touch “Messages”
Then Find “Group Messages”
Switch to “Off” by simply touching the switch. Congratulations, your friends love you again.
2. Turning off other people’s event notifications.
Unfortunately, with Facebook’s current configuration, the event organizer can no longer default their event to quit send notifications. But, you can as an attendee. Here’s where that is:
3. Messages on Facebook to multiple users:
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
4. As Requested in the Comments below, Turn off Spotify to Facebook
No one cares that you’re crying all day to Adele, listening to Glee covers all day long, or have an obsession with Bobby Brown’s greatest hits. Post a song from time to time, but don’t give us all a 24 hour stream into your streaming playlist. Turn it off.
Go to “Edit”
Then click on “Preferences”
Un-check “Show what I listen to on Facebook”
Your welcome. Now you can hide your Lady Gaga obsession from all of your friends on Facebook.
Cheers, all. Make it a good week.