One of the Many Reasons I’m Single

Female Betta

I had two Female Betta fish. (Note: FEMALE.  Female Bettas can share a tank, Male Bettas cannot.)  One was named Joe Paterno, and the other was named Bob Saget.  This naming convention seemed like an excellent idea because my roommate, Jessica (who knows nothing about football, and a lot about Full House), would have to say things like, “Did you feed Joe Paterno and Bob Saget today?” or “Joe Paterno is looking more colorful every day!”   Awesome.

Joe Paterno and Bob Saget were inseparable. They would give each other kisses, eat together, play together, and just generally have a good time.  When I was cleaning their tank, I would separate them into two coffee cups while their water was adjusting to room temperature.  One time, when I was cleaning their bowl, JoePa had jumped from her cup to Bob Saget’s because they just couldn’t bear to be apart.  Love was in the air.

Several weeks later, I was cleaning their tank again, and left them in the two coffee cups to let the water adjust. About a half an hour later, I went back into the kitchen to put them back in the tank and Joe Paterno was gone.  I frantically started to look around for her… on the counter, in the sink, on the floor.  I lifted my foot.  There she was, on the rug by the sink, dead.  Screaming, “Joe Paterno committed suicide!!”,  I ran to get Jess.   When we came back into the kitchen, we see the dog, Huxley, sniffing the lifeless JoePa.   The dog picked her up in his mouth.  Jessica and I ran for Huxley and made him drop the fish.  JoePa wiggled on the rug.  She was alive!!!!   I picked JoePa up with a paper towel (’cause fish are gross) and tossed her into the bowl.   She had some crumbs and other mystery stuff stuck to her scales, but appeared to be OK.   Bob Saget joined her, and all seemed to be in order.

JoePa was different after this life-altering experience.  She began to act violent and mean towards Bob Saget and always ate all of Bob’s food.  Pretty soon, Bob had dwindled to half of the fish that she used to be.  Her fins had been eaten away, and she refused to come out from under a rock to eat. Eventually, we had to separate the two because we feared that Joe Paterno would eat Bob Saget entirely.  Bob died a couple of days later and we gave her a burial at sea.  The surf was smooth and clockwise.

Male Betta

Joe Paterno transformed into a Male Betta giant zombie fish and seems content on being alone.   Fish can change gender.  Google it.


Joe Paterno is invincible? Maybe.

Joe Paterno is too much of a bad ass to be a Female Betta?  Probably.

I tell a joke about an ex-boyfriend who told all of our friends that he thought I was crazy when I decided that I didn’t want to date him anymore.   He heard about it and contacted me.  I assured him that all I say is that he smells like poop (which of course, is not true.   Why would I date someone that smells like poop?).  He wished me luck, and I’m doubting that we’ll ever speak again because the only thing that we have in common is that we’re tall.

The truth is, some things don’t work out, people change, and everyone is a little crazy.   So, stop your whining and laugh about it.


5 thoughts on “One of the Many Reasons I’m Single

  1. haha, loved this post! found you through a RT from comedyworks. As a another local wannabe(with less metaphorical balls than a lovely lass like yourself) I really liked reading through your posts.


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