Heather’s television debut on StandUp in Stilettos!

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My Transgender Cat

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When I first got Rodeo he fit into the palm of my hand.  Being a person that can’t resist reaching out to passing dogs or kissing stranger’s puppies, I never put him down.   He came with me everywhere that he was allowed (and wasn’t allowed). Now, he does tricks… plays fetch, turns on faucets, lets me carry him in plastic bags and empty refrigerator boxes of soda,  and  boost him so that he can catch bugs that are out of his reach.  I’ll hold his butt above my head so that he can smack moths.   I am a real life ‘Elmira’, and Rodeo adapted.

He has been my sidekick all over the country since 2004.  He’s the only pet I’ve ever had as my own, and the only roommate that I’ve been able to keep.   He’s seen me through all of my broken hearts, even if he caused it by humping my boyfriend’s arms.    He’s gotten me evicted, and ruined friendships.   He’s now witnessed almost a year of sobriety, which can be extremely lonely and difficult, and he’s there, standing on my head when I’m feeling bummed.  He’s weird.  I love him.

Lately, I’ve been traveling a lot, and sometimes have to leave him for 4 or 5 days in a row.   I’ve had friends checking in or having him at their house, I’ve set up Skype so that I can say “hi” to him when I’m out of town for work.    But, apparently, separation anxiety can cause stress in cats.

Two weeks ago, after a 3 day trip to LA, I came home to a very sick cat.  In tears, I rushed him to the Emergency Vet where they told me that he was “blocked”.   Rodeo was suffering from a Urinary Tract Obstruction, or Feline Lower Urinary Tract Disease(FLUTD).   Apparently it’s common in male cats to develop crystals in their urinary tract because of the shape of the urethra.  It’s in the shape of an “S”, and can cause build up of crystals that eventually lead to blockage, and then complete renal failure.      This can be prevented by feeding male cats different food… one would think that I have heard of this before.

A bladder in a cat after it’s been blocked by a urinary obstruction.

Luckily, he was there early after spotting symptoms.  Very unluckily, it happened on a Sunday.   The procedure that would unblock my cat was going to be $3000 at the Emergency Vet.  I was going to have to put him down.     They instead gave me a second option, where the Vet drained the urine from his bladder, and then I took him to PetAID, a low cost vet the next day.   It was the worst night of Rodeo’s life… except for the first night he spent with Pearl, the American Bulldog.

When they unblocked him at PetAID, they had him for 3 days.  They fit the cats with a catheter and then pump him full of fluid to push out all of the crystals.   Even after he was released, I had to follow him to the litter box for weeks to make sure that everything was coming out okay… just like my mom used to do to me.  He seemed fine with a change of food and a new water fountain.  The key is special prescription food and lots of hydration to keeping him on track.

On Easter Sunday, I woke up again to a very sick Rodeo, again.   I took him to the Emergency Vet, where they did what they could for about the same price as the full procedure from PetAID and advised me that Rodeo is probably going to need to become a girl.  I’ve spent another week following him to the litter box, have put him strictly on wet food, and desperately need some sleep and for the poor little guy to feel better.

The fix?  They basically just redirect the urinary tract.  Female cats have a shorter urethra than males and are far less prone to blockages.   He’s still alive for now, but the wonderful doctors at PetAID feel that he’s going to block again at that time, will need to have a procedure done called “Perineal Urethrostomy”, which put simply, will make Rodeo a girl.

Solved. Fixed.  Rodeo is happy and healthy, and in need of a new name.

I will dress him in pink crystal studded collars, glitter and Glee and love him even more.

Poor guy. He needs your help…

Every little bit helps.  I love you.  Goodnight.

When I think of technical support, I think of Heather Habermanfield from Houston, Texas.   Heather is a monstrous ignoramus.  When I was promoted to be the manager of a bunch of techs in a call center scenario, what I realized when I first turned down the promotion is that I never wanted to be the person that an end-user would say to their tech, “I’d like to speak to your manager, asshole.”  However, after coaxing from my manager, I took the promotion and ended up being just that:  The asshole’s manager (most of the time, the tech was not, in fact the asshole.  The customer was.  Rule of thumb…  the only customer that’s always right is me.)  Heather had accidentally submitted a document to be recorded at a government office, using our software.  At no point do we handle money in these transactions.  Much like PayPal, we’re just the handler.  So, I advised her on the actions that she would need to take to get her document voided and a refund from the Government office, and explained that it was out of our hands.  She was inconsolable, furious, a raging bitch and called to yell at me four times that day.   About two minutes before I was going to send her a personal check for $75, I passed her al0ng to my manager, who promptly talked her off of her imaginary cliff.     I then proceeded to curse loudly in my home office, and violently slam my phone against my desk.

That evening I had a dream.  I was at a party at my friend, @swirlgirldenver ‘s apartment, and someone walked up to me and introduced herself.

“Hi, I’m Heather!”

“Oh, I’m Heather too! What’s your last name?”

“Habermanfield.”

And then I punched her right in the face.

I woke up the next morning, got my resume together, and I had a new job in two weeks.   I will never be a manager in a call center environment again.   When you’re fighting strangers in your own dreams, it’ll be time for you to find a new job too.

In this day of text messaging, Facebook, and being constantly connected to EVERYONE, I’d like to share a few tips and tricks to make everyone else’s lives less of a living hell.

1. iPhone Group Messages

This is a setting on the iPhone that sends texts to a group of people.   When you do this, everyone that’s in the list of people that you just texted gets ALL responses.  Often, it’s from people that we don’t know and we start getting texts every five minutes from others responding to your request.

Please, sweet baby infant Buddha, turn this off. 

Go to “Settings” and touch “Messages”

Settings > Messages

Then Find “Group Messages”

See how it’s switched to “On?” This is why your friends hate you today.

Switch to “Off” by simply touching the switch.  Congratulations, your friends love you again.

Turn it OFF! Millions of pennies will be saved in unnecessary texting.

2. Turning off other people’s event notifications.

Unfortunately, with Facebook’s current configuration, the event organizer can no longer default their event to quit send notifications. But, you can as an attendee.  Here’s where that is:

You’re in charge… turn that shit off! As an event promoter… I don’t mind. I do it all of the time…

3.  Messages on Facebook to multiple users:

DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

Think of it as email… Reply all. Comics love doing this…. all of the people on this list will see everyone’s reply. May as well get drunk and write your Christmas Cards. That’ll be more productive.

4.  As Requested in the Comments below,  Turn off Spotify to Facebook

No one cares that you’re crying all day to Adele, listening to Glee covers all day long, or have an obsession with Bobby Brown’s greatest hits.  Post a song from time to time, but don’t give us all a 24 hour stream into your streaming playlist.   Turn it off.

Go to “Edit”

Click on “Edit”

Then click on “Preferences”

Click on “Preferences”

Un-check “Show what I listen to on Facebook”

Your welcome.  Now you can hide your Lady Gaga obsession from all of your friends on Facebook.

UNCHECK – PLEASE F-BOMB – UNCHECK!

Cheers, all.  Make it a good week.

Sorry for making everyone cry on this one.   Here’s the podcast from the Narrators of August, themed “Love”. 

http://www.fiveunicorns.com/2011/08/09/narrators-podcast-episode-one-love/

I’m sure that we’ve all been in a position where we wish that we could take some of our silliest decisions back and to do things a little differently.    I can think of at least eight that I’ve personally done (most in the last week), like that keg stand in a tube dress at a Derby Party, or burning off all of my eyelashes last year trying to light the stove (they’ve since grown back),  assuming the worst in someone I’ve since lost and now most likely thinks I’m crazy, and letting my heart get the best of me… and then my nerves.  Usually, after any of my ridiculous antics, I’ll end up with a pretty good joke, and it’s why living life off-stage is so important. Where all of these types of moments seem devastating, life-altering and embarrassing at the time, they’re trivial when you hear stories like this:

An old friend of mine and one of my favorite people on earth, Adam Foster, is in a terrible position right now, which may cost him 2-7 years in UAE prison for a crime he didn’t commit.  He is being accused of stealing an item he found on the ground.   This is much worse than that time we got kicked out of the Hard Rock Cafe in Vegas…  we are a ridiculously fun and sometimes mischeivous bunch, my friends and I… but we’re all good people.  This is a very sad situation, illegal and inhumane. 

My heart goes out to his loved ones.   

Below is the the note from Adam as posted on Facebook this weekend.  I have sample letters, and fax numbers to send letters of concern to the embassy that I will copy at the end of this post.  Or, Email me at sixfeetofsnow@gmail.com, and I’ll forward them to you.

 

“I am currently in Dubai, UAE and have been so for 4 months. A day before I was scheduled to come home (Feb 25th) I found a pair of handcuffs on the ground and decided to take them home with me. They found them in my luggage, pulled me off the plane, and arrested me. They then whipped me and beat me until I confessed to stealing them, I am now facing 2 – 7 years in Prison for something I didn’t do. If you have some free time, I really need some help. If you could write a letter to the ambassador of UAE (in D.C) or for me, I would really appreciate it. I am hoping that these letters will persuade these people to release me or at the very least lessen the sentence. I have a sample letter and addresses if you need them. Feel free to email me at foster200@yahoo.com for further information. Please feel free to forward this on to anyone who could help. Thanks so much.”

                                                                                              ~Adam Foster

And after the hearing yesterday:

“The final verdict will be on the 19th of May. Court was all in Arabic so it was hard for me to know what happened. It consisted of my lawyer talking for 20 minutes and then the judge giving the final date. Thats it… So, I will be here waiting. In the mean time we still have time to send in letters. If you know anyone else that could help out I would really appreciate it. Thank you all so very much for your help and support during all of this. If you get bored, feel free to come over and visit, however, I cant guarantee when you will be able to leave. Ill send a letter for you when i get home though. I still have 9 more days of freedom.”

                                                                                           ~ Adam Foster

Below are the sample letters.  Fax numbers is are the headers.   Let’s get our friend home.

May XX, 2011

Ambassador Yousef Al Otaibac/o Hagir H. Elawad
Embassy of theUnited Arab Emirates
3522 International Court, NW, Suite 400
Washington,D.C.20008
Fax: (202)243-1029

Dear Mr. Ambassador:

I write to raise to your attention the plight of Adam Foster, an American citizen, who has been detained and mistreated by law enforcement in your country and to respectfully request your assistance in assuring his fair treatment at his trial on Thursday, May 19. 

Adam is my friend and a long-time employee of Cameron, a major oil and gas firm working in the United Arab Emirates (UAE).  In February, Adam was detained for being in possession of handcuffs that he found on the ground.  Adam did not know he had violated UAE law and while he was detained he was severely beaten by law enforcement.  I was shocked to learn that Adam was tortured with a cable wire and told that unless he signed a confession written in Arabic that he stole the handcuffs from police they would “finish the job.”  After Adam’s abuse and coerced confession he is now told that he faces as much as seven years in prison.  In addition to Adam’s circumstances, I was also alarmed to learn of the recent reports of a British citizen’s death at the hands of UAE law enforcement. 

I urge you to do everything in your power to ensure Adam is treated fairly on May 19 with  consideration of his illegal torture and coerced confession.  For many years Adam has worked alongside his firm to provide engineering and manufacturing services to key industries that help ensure your country’s financial future.  Now, as an American citizen and Adam’s friend and colleague, I respectfully request your assistance.

Sincerely And:

May XX, 2011

Jeffrey D. Feltman
Assistant Secretary
Bureau of Near Eastern Affairs
U.S. Department of State
2201 C Street NW
Washington,DC 20520
Fax (202)-736-4462

Dear Secretary Feltman:

I write to raise to your attention the plight of Adam Lee Foster, an American citizen, who has been detained and mistreated by law enforcement in the United Arab Emirates (UAE) and to respectfully request your assistance in assuring fair treatment at his trial on  Thursday, May 19th. 

Adam is my friend and colleague and a long-time employee of Cameron, a major American oil and gas firm working in UAE.  In February, Adam was detained for being in possession of handcuffs that he found on the ground.  Adam did not know he had violated UAE law and while he was detained he was severely beaten by law enforcement.  I was shocked to learn that Adam was tortured with a cable wire and told that unless he signed a confession written in Arabic that he stole the handcuffs from police they would “finish the job.”  After Adam’s abuse and coerced confession he is now told that he faces as much as seven years in prison.  In addition to Adam’s circumstances, I was also alarmed to learn of the recent reports of a British citizen’s death at the hands of UAE law enforcement. 

I urge you to do everything in your power to ensure Adam is treated fairly on May 19 with consideration of his illegal torture and coerced confession.  Americans all over the world are counting on you and the State Department to speak boldly in opposition to human right violations.  Now, as an American citizen and Adam’s friend, I respectfully request your assistance.

Sincerely,

I'm taking a vacation and disabling Facebook for a minute. Email or text. I'll be around.

You can reach me @ sixfeetofsnow@gmail.com

Now, Shhhhh…….

Recently, John Wenzel of the Denver Post asked me a few questions…

http://www.heyreverb.com/2011/04/20/heather-snow-beauty-bar-comedy-denver/

Check it out!

Photo by Crystal Allen

Improv – Heather Snow

Later that night, as I’m reeling over an argument I just had with a colleague when my roommate sternly says to me for the 100^th time, “You need to learn how to say, ‘NO!’”  This was immediately after I had just completed bitching about someone who was putting me on the spot for a project that I hadn’t had time to complete and was well past it’s original assignment date.  The person had de-friended me on Facebook because of it after they saw I went skiing.

Read my previous blog..Re-Write.   Time is a major issue for me.  I literally run around so much that I don’t have time to do things that would benefit me and that keep sanity in check  because I’m so willing to help friends out.  Here are the things I would like to do: read a book, draw chalkboards, cook friends dinner, ski, binge drink, play poker, work out, sleep, etc.   I’ve gotten so used to saying, “Yes, I can help you with that.”  Truthfully, I always want to do what I can, and sincerely have no other motives except to be a helpful friend and/or colleague.  But, sometimes, it’s a bit much.

Then, a friend told me that I’m a classic case of a ‘People Pleaser’.  So, I googled it.  That’s what I do… when I’m lost and can’t find my way, I Google.   I found this article: The People Pleasing Personality: Please Walk All Over Me!

I thought long and hard and tried to remember what made me this way, and I couldn’t think of anything other than that I just really wanted to be nice.   It definitely wasn’t my parents or my brothers.  We tend to criticize and make fun of each other more than they ever nurtured me and the word “No” was pretty prevalent in my upbringing.

Then it came to me…  6^th grade… Angela “DogFace” LastNameOmitted.

Flashback to Stafford Middle School, Stafford, VA sometime in the early 90s….

I was not popular.  I never had been.  I spent most of my time in the pool; competitively swimming for the Quantico Devil Dolphins, and in ballet and dance class or at Math and Science camps.  Then, the most popular girl in my 6^th grade class needed a tutor.  I obliged to help, as a people pleaser would do, and we hit it off.   Erin was awesome.   I got to come to her birthday party with all of the cool kids and they taught me how to properly style my bangs and how to put on eyeliner. (pictures to come…. as soon as I steal them from my parent’s albums over Christmas and scan all of the embarrassment that was childhood)

Suddenly, I was one of the most popular people in school in the prettiest group of girls in Stafford Middle School.  Their “mean girl” target was a girl named Angela “DogFace” LastNameOmitted.

About four months after I became as awesome and legendary as only 6^th grade allows, my parents informed me that we would be moving to Sandusky, Ohio.   Devastation set in.   As I was walking out of my last day of homeroom to board the bus, I stopped at Angela “Dogface” LastNameOmitted  and I said, “Angela, I’m really sorry that we’ve been so mean to you, and I wish you the best of luck.”   Then, I did the most horrible thing that I had ever done in my whole life, and barked at her… giggled, and walked away.

I don’t think that I slept for about a week. I felt so horrible that I had so quickly sacrificed being a good person for popularity.  So, I made a promise to myself.   This new school was a new start.  I would be nice to everyone.  No one deserves to be treated with such cruelty, and no matter how popular I would become, I would never make anyone feel like that again… intentionally (Currently, I do it all of the time…  but in much more creative ways).

It worked for a while, and I seemed to be gaining some ground at the new school.   I was happy, making friends, and moving up in the social ladder of Perkins Schools.

Something changed as quickly as it had back in Virginia.  I got braces and my eyebrows grew in even thicker than they already were.  I shot up to 5’10″ in two years, and I got a bad perm… that I would brush.     Then, after 2 years of braces, my orthodontist didn’t like the way that my teeth were progressing, so he removed my bi-cuspids (the teeth that are half-molarish in between the incisors and the molars).  At this point, I had horse face, was 120 lbs, had a bad perm and high-water jeans.   My new nickname was “Highwater” Heather.  I was awkward in every way imaginable… and very smart.  So, I knew exactly what was happening.

Friends that loved me when I first came to Briar Middle School in Ohio were suddenly horrible to me.  No matter what I did, or how nice I was, or how much I helped them out, they were horrible to me.   

Eventually, I got the braces off, straightened my hair, joined dance team and obtained connections to purchase obscene amounts of alcohol.  It wasn’t long before I was barreling down farm roads with my mom’s minivan packed with my new friends and cases of Mad Dog, Busch Light and Zima.  I tried my best to be nice to people, but I generally didn’t like them and didn’t care if they liked me. But, I was still nice, and still did favors.  I may not have been as popular as I could have been if I had treated people like shit, but at least I felt good about myself and my actions.

In college, it was different… I made friends very easily and loved that I actually had the opportunity to choose all of the people that I surrounded myself with. So many of my friends in High School were amazing, but came with a horrible bitchy, stupid, whorebag, piece of shit sidekick…  those whom I would rather set myself on fire than be associated with.  My approach to friendships had changed.  Although times have been tough and I’ve continued to move around a lot, the people that I have met have stayed true to me and whatever I was doing (Regardless of the 70lbs overweight that I had become, horrible depression and being damn broke).

I’m very fortunate to have lots of great friends, a supportive family, and to be able to regularly meet people that blow me away with their kindness.  Friends that I met in my dorm in College are like my siblings, and we would all do anything for each other.   When people say that they’re lucky to have one person in their lives that they truly trust,  I can honestly say that I have at least a hundred people in my life that I would be devastated to lose.  Saying that I’m grateful, blessed (if I believed in that stuff) and fortunate would only scratch the surface on how happy and secure these people make me feel.

Suddenly, with Comedy and all of the weight that I’ve lost, these friends that are amazing and have seen me through the really tough times are doing what they do best… watching my back. 

Recently, I took an approach to my life that changed everything.  When people would ask me if I wanted to try something that I’d never tried before, I always said yes.  If I was drinking, I would require that I did an activity while drinking, which led me to poker, then comedy, and then trying comedy myself.  This defines me…  being nice, and always willing to try new things and help people out.  When people around me are happy and doing well, I’m happy and doing well.

The comedians in Denver are among some of the most wonderful people that I have ever met and I’m amazed by the amount of talent and creativity that resides in our beautiful little city.  I truly expect the best out of people and hope for their happiness.  However, I’ve been in more arguments being in the comedy circuit than I’ve been throughout my worst days with Middle School, obesity and depression all put together.   These are arguments that have brought me to tears and rage.  

As always, there are people that I seek out advice from, those whom I truly value opinions from and those that only want to get in my pants or want something from me.  Those people are the worst… they pretend to ask for friendship and think that they’re doing me a favor by doing so.  My life is filled with wonderful people, and there’s always room for more…  but not for douchebags who take advantage of my kindness.   I often say that you can never have too many friends, but you certainly can have too many frenemies.     There is no reason for someone like me to feel threatened.  But, I do.

It’s only moments after a narcissist sees that you’re vulnerable before they decide to bark in your face.  I learned this lesson in sixth grade when I barked in the face of Angela “DogFace” LastNameOmitted.  It takes some others a lot longer to learn these lessons, and that’s not my problem.    I bet Angela is pretty fucking awesome now.  If I could find her; I would apologize.  The world is filled with narcissism; I refuse to encourage it.

Looking at the advice that this ‘People Pleaser’ article gives, I’m taking action and learning to say ‘No’ in the New Year when I truly don’t have the time, desire or passion to accomplish people’s requests.  

And if you tell me that I’m worthless for not honoring your request?  Good luck to you. I have plenty of great friends and if you can’t be understanding when I’m honest and up front, then I don’t need someone in my life like you anyway.

And then you can defriend me on Facebook and bark in my face.

And I’m partially kidding… partially.